What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:26
She was in good health!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But ive been too sick for many years..
What did i know ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Who then, do I blame.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I think the readers, may guess!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I could never make a relationship work though!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im still living with it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it wasn’t much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I will be 64.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She wouldn,t have been !
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.